I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
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I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
#dnd #ttrpg
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.