I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
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Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My wedding will be open casket.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?