Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
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History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Finally
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.