Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
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Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips