Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
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Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I got soap in my shower beer again.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.