HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?