@STRIKINGxVIKING

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

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@NYC_Blonde

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

@bonehugsnirony

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

@noog

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

@mdob11

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

@KateWhineHall

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

@bewgtweets

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

@Jandalize

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

@JohnLyonTweets

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

@sixfootcandy

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.