I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

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My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.


The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.


Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”


You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.


I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.


Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!


Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”


When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.


I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.