@zachreinert0 
@STRIKINGxVIKING I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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@zachreinert0 
@NYC_Blonde My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
@bonehugsnirony The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
@noog Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
@mdob11 You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
@KateWhineHall I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
@bewgtweets Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
@Jandalize Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
@JohnLyonTweets When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
@sixfootcandy I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.