I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.