I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
My kitchen overserved me.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
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Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands