Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
You Might Also Like
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
just got my engagement photos
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What