@decentbirthday

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

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@TeeJayRush

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

@TheWinegasm

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

@envydatropic

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

@daemonic3

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

@ReelQuinn

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

@AlexvanBeek

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

@FatherWithTwins

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.