I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
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Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Happy Star Wars day!
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything