No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
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10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.