Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
You Might Also Like
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.