Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
You Might Also Like
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Meow?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
that wasn’t the question
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing