Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Do not go gentle into that good night,

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

Saturday