when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
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Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Did my cat write this
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage