when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
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My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
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also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
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I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
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