My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
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nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Someone just threatened to call me later
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
When they try to steal your moment.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.