Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
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I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
found this cool rock hiking today
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.