We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.