I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
A dead goose is called a ghoost
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.