It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
You Might Also Like
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy