My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
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Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
dude it’s called proctologist
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
🛁
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]