Horrifying if literal: arm candy
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.