I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.