That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
You Might Also Like
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”