I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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succession but with mickey mouse and friends
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
*praying for world peace*
God:
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
crochet youtube is brutal
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater