Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
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Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
What an awful time to have common sense.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]