“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
why no one uses midhusbands
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast