“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
How to wake up a Beagle
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Have kids, they said
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉