If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
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I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
what does he know…
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.