All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.