Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
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WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once