*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
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Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I don’t make the rules sorry
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My favorite farside!!
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.