A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
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“what’s it like having a sister?”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Running from your problems is cardio .
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are