Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
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Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
me irl
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick