[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans