[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
You Might Also Like
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*