Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.