Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
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Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.