@funTweeters I am at your service….
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George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Only short people can save us
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”