DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
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Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth