Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
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My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge