STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
You Might Also Like
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
pls suprot
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins