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losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.