Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
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Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]