Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
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Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.