Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Overindulged this afternoon.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.