Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.