Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
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Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.