At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
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What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.