[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan