Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
is this meant to deter me
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist