Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
You Might Also Like
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Never mess with a drunken pig.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.