today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
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me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?